1.

Kerry walks into a bar.

Bartender: Why the long face?

Kerry stares blankly.

Bartender: What�ll you have?

Kerry licks tip of his forefinger, holds it up, turns it around, can�t feel any wind.

Kerry:  So, what�s everyone else having?

Bartender: Half are having Scotch and water and half are having Scotch on the rocks.

Kerry: That�s what I�ll have.

2.

Compassionate Conservatism.

3.

Ariel Sharon and Yassir Arafat are playing poker years from now in Purgatory.  As they lay down their cards--

�Yassir,� says Sharon, �I have four aces and you don�t even have a pair of deuces.  Why didn�t you just give up?� 

�Because,� says Arafat, �I like to see you squirm.�

4.

Bush and Saudi Arabia�s Prince Bandar are sharing a plate of pork rinds out at the ranch at Crawford.

Bandar says he�s going to lower the price of oil so Bush can win the next election.

Bush says that would not be fair.

Bandar stares at him�.

Then they both laugh like crazy, barbecue sauce dribbling from their mouths.

5.

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim are sitting around arguing the merits of their respective religions.

The Jew says, �In my religion, the Messiah is coming for the first time.�

The Christian says, �In my religion, the Messiah is coming for the second time.�

The Muslim says, �In my religion, the Messenger has come and departed.�

They all look at each other, then shout in unison, �That�s the dumbest thing I�ve ever heard!  Stop thinking like that or I�ll kill you!�

6.

God calls Father Abraham into His Pearly Chambers. 

�Abe,� says God, �Look at your squabbling children.�I think I�ll put an end to it all and send down meteors and plagues.�

Father Abraham throws up his arms.  �Aren�t we made in Your image, Lord?�

God looks into Abraham�s eyes and He sees Himself reflected: In one eye he sees the murderers of children, and in the other He sees children playing in a field of lavender.

�Go,� says God, stroking his cloudy chin.  �I must think on this further.�

7.

Sometime after Armageddon, on a moon-filled night, an owl and a gator reminisced.

�What ever happened to the ape-beings?� said the gator.

�Who?� asked the owl.

�The ones who were always howling.  They howled in the sky and howled in the water, their chattering motors stirring things up.�

�Gone,� said the owl.  �Self-chattered out.�

�How �bout that��  The gator blew air through his teeth.  �They couldn�t have been very smart,� he mused.  �A hundred million years I�ve lived in the waters, making lazy �s�s,� watching the sun and the moon and stars.  Sometimes I lie in the sun and warm myself contentedly.  If I get bored, a pretty gator swishes her tail at me�.I�ve plenty to think about.  But it all takes time�.It seems only yesterday those noisy ones clamored out of the trees.  Now you say they�re gone?�

 �Gone,� said the owl.  �All clamored out.�

The gator bellowed at the moon.  The owl winked.

�Before you swam in the waters,� said the owl, �I shed my scales and feathered my wings�.Mighty Tyrannosaurus fell to his knees, transformed himself to oil�.I watched�.I waited�.Night after night, perched on a branch, dreaming, remembering, waiting�waiting�.Always a sweet, considerate mouse offered its life to me.  Earth provides and abides.�

�But why did they die?� asked the gator.

�Who?�

�The racketeers�.�

The old owl shrugged.  �They were an experiment who took themselves too serious.  A path among a myriad�.Always impatient.  Always insistent.  They made God in their image, then suffered the consequences.�  He winked one eye, rotated his head like a dial.  �Some say it was their opposable thumb�.It helped them grab more than they needed.�

A cloud drifted across the harvest moon, held in a beard of Spanish moss, its light reflected in a dragonfly�s eye.

�If I had such a thumb,� said the gator, �I�d hold my ideals more firmly.� 

The owl shrugged.  The gator slithered across the mud, found a small fold in the water, slipped himself noiselessly under.

�Who?� said the owl.