March 16, 2004-Combining two of his most popular policies, President George W Bush today amended his anti-gay wedding stance, opening the door to a possible compromise: that of homosexual weddings immediately followed by execution.

In a live television address, President Bush outlined both the nature of the scheme and the thinking behind it. "What could be more American," he asked rhetorically, "than the combination of the sacred constitution of marriage and the Christian spectacle of watching a pair of homos fry?"

Bush has said he would support the building of special "love seat" electric chairs at a number of state and federal penitentiaries. In the proposals which he has just put forward, the President envisages a simple Christian ceremony in which two "God-fearing queerboys" pledge their "perverted satanic love" for one another, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health and until death parts them � which will be about five seconds later, since as soon as one places the ring on the other's finger, the circuit will be completed and 2000 "American volts" will sear through their bodies, ending their lives.

"I realise that times change," continued the President, removing his ceremonial white robes and passing his flaming cross to an aide, "and while fervent, murderous homophobia was acceptable ten or twelve years ago, today we must take a more inclusive approach. I see no reason why this compromise should not be acceptable both to those hundreds of millions of right-thinking, righting-marrying, right-voting Americans who feel the same primal revulsion as I do at the mere thought of two men kissing � and to the handful of uppity faggots who want to get hitched like the straight people do. I say to the American people, if you love the Bible, and you love the death penalty, then back the Electro-Fruit-Wedding concept and let's get executing!"

Bush advisor Hugo Z Hackenbush later showed off some potential designs for the new Death-and-Wedlock chamber and explained the nature of the choice facing America's gay population. "What the homos have to ask themselves is � how much do I want to get hitched?" he explained, playfully toying with the model "Matchem-and-Dispatchem" Unit he was demonstrating. "If you really want to declare your sick, perverted love to the American people, and our sacred American God � you can. That's our side of the bargain. But then you got to be put to death by means of American electrocution � that's your side. So you see both sides gain, but both sides got to make sacrifices. Er, if you see what I mean."

So far, the policy has been immensely popular, with Democrat nominees Edwards and Kerry both confirming their support for it, and even prominent Gay Rights Campaigner George Crozier confessing "I think he's really got something there. If the most rightwing President in history permits gays to marry � no matter what the conditions in the small print � and we oppose the measure, it will be very hard for us to lobby effectively in the future."

Hackenbush can even see the principle being expanded to cover any number of bothersome special interest groups. "Once we've barbecued a few of the shirtlifters, we can move on to the atheists, homeless, Latinos, vegetarians, environmentalists, lounge singers, mimes, people who don't wash their hands in the bathroom. You name 'em, we'll fry 'em if they try and marry. Yee-haaw!"

http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.75.3059.html