Bush: Constitutional Amendment Essential to Winning War on Homosexual Terror

At a press conference yesterday, President George W. Bush, living up to his reputation as a wartime president, outlined the rationale behind his sudden bold support for a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of marriage. Speaking in his usual three-word cadence, the president stated:

"Marriage is clearly just the latest weapon of moral destruction that we've discovered in the hands of homosexuals. As your President, I will not let the sanctity of marriage be attacked by these cowardly homosexual terrorists without retribution. The evildoers will be brought to justice. This is the only the beginning of what will undoubtedly be a protractor war on homosexual terror."

Later, Bush was joined at the podium by Attorney General John Ashcroft who announced:

"Gavin Newsom, the Mayor of San Francisco, was arrested yesterday and is being detained at Guantanamo Bay, along with 243 homosexual couples who were recently married at the San Francisco City Hall. These arrests make our country safer and send a clear message that the government will not tolerate homosexual terrorism. Because these arrests were made during a terrorist action, the homosexual terrorists will be held indefinitely and will be denied legal representation."

The president and attorney general then opened the floor to questions from reporters.

"Mr. President. It's been claimed that gay marriages in San Francisco have been an economic boon to the city. Where do you stand on this economic stimulation issue?"

The President's response:

"My position on economic stimulation through homosexual marriage is inconspicuous. In fact, I think my record of blatant disregard for domestic budgetary issues stands on itself."

"Mr. President, what do you think the chances are of eventually discovering a link between the homosexual marriage movement in the U.S. and Al Qaeda?"

The President:

"We're exploring that. We're taking that likelihood seriously. If there is a link, and the evidence points in that direction, we'll smoke out the enemy like we did in Afghanistan and Iraq, until no enemy exists."

"Mr. President, how does your position on smoking out the enemy fit with your Christian religion and Jesus's admonition that we love our enemies?"

The President:

"I'm no religious authority, but it strikes me as much more moral to smoke out evil and then repent than it is to smoke out evil and then not repent. The issue is whether you're saved or not and if you are, like me, then you can be clearer on these matters of justice and evil."

"Mr. President, there have been rumors going around that while AWOL from the Alabama National Guard in 1972, you were involved in a homosexual relationship and tried to get married in Canada. Do you have any comment on that rumor?"

The President:

"I will say this one more time. I wasn't AWOL from Alabama, I was absent. I got paid. I fulfilled my duties. End of story."